Another pair of articles from The Salt-Water Gazette of 1835, this time featuring the supposed writings of the pier porter at Helensburgh, Mr John Guy. John Guy was indeed, a real character, but the frequent references to the Classics and snippets of Latin and Greek suggests that this humorous piece was a spoof at his expense, written by someone else. It gives some idea of Glasgow humour of the time.
Of Helensburgh; Its antiquity, grandeur, and Commerce:—Impartially treated on, by Master John Guy, Steam-boat Porter in that Ilk.—In commencing a subject teeming with magnitude and importance, such as the present, one is apt to get bewildered, and be at a loss what thing first to touch upon. In like manner, an urchin relieved for a season from pedagogued thraldom, and turned loose into Mr. Isaac Baxter’s emporium of taste, with a carte-blanche to put forth his hand and take a certain quantum of the cates which adorn the counter, feeleth himself in no small dilemma and perplexity. Perchance when he first cometh in, a plate of cheese-cakes seem, as they catch his eye, the veritable τo Kaλov, but just as he reacheth out his hand, a jelly unfoldeth its mucilaginous charms, and like the roast pig which poets fable, singeth out in dulcet strains, “Come, eat me!—come, eat me!” For a season, he voweth fealty to the jelly aforesaid, but a rhubarb tart, encircled with snowy cream, again diverteth his resolution; till at length, unable to make up his mind, he retireth to a corner, and weepingly laments, not (like Alexander) that he hath no worlds left to conquer, but that he knoweth not on which first to commence his gustatory campaign.
Warned by the fate of the irresolute stripling, I will not stand at the threshold of my theme, but, as our schoolmaster, the learned Mr. Battison, says, “Rush at once in medias res,” and commence with some account, brief though veritable, of the Antiquity of Helensburgh.
The origin of this illustrious place is lost in the mist of remote senectitude; and till the era of the famous siege of Troy, we have no very certain data to go upon in treating thereof. Previous to that event, its name was simply “Burgh,” but the fugitive wanton, Helen, having chosen to make it the termination of her flight, her name was added to its designation; and ever since, authors, both sacred and profane, have spoken of it as Helensburgh.
The references to it in ancient writers, are equally numerous and flattering. We may quote a few as examples:—Virgil in his Eclogues, sayeth inter alia, “Burghum Heleni habet multam reputationem Pro lactem de churni;” which is thus beautifully rendered by Dryden, “For sour-dook, Helensburgh is much renowned.”
In the Metamorphosis of Ovid, we find, “Juxta ostium Garelochii est urbem magnificam Ubi homines abundantes divitiis venerent Bibere saltam aquam et multis aliis;” or, as translated by the learned Dr. Garth, “Nigh to the Gairloch is a mighty town, Where men of wealth do often times go down To drink large draughts from out the briny sea, And also table beer and barley-bree.”
In reference to this last quotation, I am aware that that stupid body, Bauldy, the Gourock bellman, hath put forth a quarto, to prove that it relates to his own petty village; but not to mention that Helensburgh is much nearer to the Gairloch, every child knoweth that Gourock hath, from time immemorial, been frequented only by the Paisley bodies—a generation never overly famed for their wealth; while Helensburgh hath ever been renowned as the summer howf of the magnates of Glasgow,—a city only second in wealth and consequence to our own.
I might multiply quotations, ad infinitum, but I shall only add another from the Odes of Horace, an Italian gentleman, who had a villa where Mr. M‘Ewan’s bakehouse now standeth. Speaking of our city, he saith, “Habet gelidam aquam idoneum Pro compositione de punchico—ut philosophus, Bene noscit.” Or, done into English by Francis, thus, “The tippling Philosopher well knows That colder water nowhere flows For making Glasgow punch.
Enough, however, of the classics. I will now come into modern times, and try to give that part of the world, so unfortunate as never to have seen it, some faint description of the Grandeur and Magnificence of Helensburgh.
And first, as to Ardincaple Castle. This gorgeous palace is situated to the west of the city, and standeth pleasantly on a fair rising ground. In point of strength, it is not second to the fortification of Gibraltar, being flanked with strong turrets, and having patent locks on the doors thereof. Such is its strength, that last season an army of tinklers having come upon it in the night, and essayed to break into the hen-roost, were obliged to retire without booty, save an old shirt which had been left on the stobs or outworks the evening before. Some may think this exaggerated, but nathless it is the case; our illustrious Fiscal, Mr. Briengan, having noted down the particulars from one of the enemy whom he took with the said shirt in his possession. On the top of the principal keep standeth a stately flag-staff, on which, on great occasions, is hoisted the national colours. Three times have they been so displayed this season. First, on the account of the birth-day of our gracious Sovereign; secondly, on the anniversary of the passing of the Reform Bill; and thirdly, in compliment to our august Provost Jordanhill, who did eat at the Castle last week, by way of supper, three turkey eggs and some toasted cheese. This fact may be depended upon, as I have it on the authority of Janet M‘Craw, who is a helper or deputy unto the cook.
Touching the gorgeousness of the interior of this sublime edifice, I can give but little idea thereof. Solomon’s temple, which was paved with gold, was a desirable edifice; but Josephus, with all his partiality, is obligated to admit, that our Castle doth in many things surpass it, though indeed the latter may have less carvings about the windows thereof. I cannot, however, gratify the public with a more detailed description, and that for three reasons, which I hope will be found valid, as our town-clerk would say: Primo, a tender regard for my reputation, the grandeur being such, that no specification thereof would be believed, and I might run the risk of being deemed a dealer in fictions. Secundo, to save the revenue of the land; for doubtless the King when he heard of the glory of Lord John’s tabernacle, would forthwith become discontented with his own residence, and tax his children to build an edifice equal in bravery thereto, the cost of which even Joseph Hume himself could not sum up. And Tertio and lastly, I cannot describe the mansion in question, never having been farther into the same, than the porch adjoining the kitchen thereof.
I must now conclude this part of my veritable history, because unless mine ears play me false, I hear the horn announcing the advent of the Clarence, out of which I have to carry certain bales of flour unto the bake-house of the great Mr. James M‘Ewan, which I shall essay to describe in my next epistle, together with other things worthy of note in our never-enough-to-be-celebrated metropolis.
Mr. John Guy’s account of Helensburgh.—Book II.—Truly, since the imprinting of the first portion of my veritable history, it hath become difficult for me to recognise myself. But a short week bygone, and what was I? They who loaded me with their luggage, and passed sentence of eternal condemnation on my eyes, did I but slacken my pace on account of the pinching of my corns—they, I say, can best tell. What am I now? A thousand casters doffed at my advent;—a nod from Dr. Bryce, and a salaam from the Fiscal; and last, but not least, unlimited credit from Mr. Lennox in his emporium of distilled waters, show and demonstrate that, from a sorry cipher, I am raised to no inconsiderable figure in the table of society. I am become as it were a wonder and a proverb unto myself. I am daily invited to defile a platter with some one or other of the gentry, who seem to look upon me as a prodigy. Provost Bain hath more than hinted, that at the next election I will stand a good chance of being made “a terror to evil doers, and a praise and protection to those who do well.” The far-famed Mr. L. M‘Lean hath written me to say, that I am elected an honorary member of the Ossianic Society. And to crown all, there is a sough afloat, that I am to be summoned to Ardincaple Castle, to eat my prandium, or four hours, with his holiness Lord John himself.
On the strength of all these unheard of and extra-wonderful honours, I have made certain changes befitting my altered condition. From Mr. M‘Callum, the deacon of our tailors, who is a perfect prodigy at the needle, I have purchased a gorgeous plush vest, a pair of yellow leathern decencies, and a hat made from the outer garment of a beaver. So gaudy, indeed, is my tout ensemble, as Mr. Simeon would say, that the gallant Captain M‘Leod, who loveth a harmless jocosity, remarked unto his steward the other day, that my name should in future ages be metamorphosed and transformed into John Gay. I purpose, however, not to be overly elated, but to bear my honours meekly. It is the part of a truly great man to be mindful of his origin; so in imitation of the ancient rulers, who were wont to place a skull amid the bravery of their festive boards as a reminiscence, that with all their grandeur they were but men—in imitation, I say, of this laudable exemplar, I have slung my ropes and badge over the threshold of my villa, the sight of which shall always remind me, that though now an author, I was once but a steam-boat porter.
Leaving myself, however, I must now proceed with my task, which groweth in my hand even as suds are engendered by the operation of the cleanser of garments.
The Quay.—Without all dispute, the most rare and remarkable structure in our city, after the fortress of Ardincaple, is its Quay, which, indeed, is more like a point of land than a human fabrication, running out into the sea much in the fashion of the point of Roseneath. At the end thereof, standeth a huge pillar of wood, having on the top a costly keg or barrel, denoting to the weary voyager that good liquor is to be found within our bounds, to the verity of which dictum I can speak from experience. This ensign hath been of no small consequence to the commerce of our city, for the sight thereof hath induced many a ship bound for distant ports, such as Dunoon and the Kirn, to swerve from its course to taste the waters engendered at Melligs (which I may mention in passing, are vended by my friend the Fiscal, at the easy tax of nine shillings per imperial gallon).
Helensburgh Quay around 1835 with the notable pillar and barrel at the seaward end
The shipping which come to anchor at this princely Quay, might fairly stand muster with those which the masters of our steam-boats report to be at the famed Broomielaw. I have myself seen, at one and the same time, a huge vessel laden with coals, and six wherries replete with herrings, not to speak of Jordanhill’s cutter and Mr. Monteath’s pleasure-boat, which I look upon as regular fixtures, and so cannot be fairly taken into account in a commercial point of view. Neither do I take into my reckoning the host of steam-vessels which our growing importance hath called into existence, because the freight they carry is human beings, and the Town Clerk certiorates me, that since the abolition of the slave-trade it is high treason to consider such as objects of trade. To give the reader, however, some small idea of the importance of the traffic at our Quay, I may mention, and I do so without fear of contradiction, that the dues levied there, have, in one day, amounted to the astounding sum of seven shillings and three-halfpence—a fact which the excusable sceptic may verify, by consulting the account-book of our city Treasurer.
The Dock and Granary.—To the east of the Quay is situated a mighty dock, dug out of the earth at much cost, where many barges do winter, it being protected from the unhandsome violence of the east wind by a princely granary. This edifice is said to be a veritable facsimile of one of the store-houses built in Egypt during the famine in Pharaoh’s time; and truly, if it be so, the heathen worshippers of the Sphinx, must have had a notable turn for architecture, as it is a perfect miracle of taste and grandeur. Being built before the invention of glass, the windows are of the Venetian fashion, which suiteth right well for the drying of the grain deposited therein. As touching the Sphinx aforesaid——
[Here Mr. Guy goes on for the matter of twenty folio pages, to discourse of the theology of the ancients as connected with the history of that monstrous propounder of riddles, the Sphinx; but as we do not exactly see its bearing on the subject of the history, we take the liberty of omitting it.]
The Bastille.—In the midst of our city, standeth the Bastille or Tolbooth, an erection of surpassing strength, which by many is thought to resemble the prison of Newgate. In the upper flat is a spacious hall, where our senators do congregate for the purpose of dispensing justice among the citizens; and their decisions are of such gravity and moment, that many do think they should be given to the world as exemplars for other judges. It ill becometh me, who have the speedy prospect of becoming one of our law-givers, to speak vauntingly of this matter; but more than me are of opinion, that did the Lords of Council and Session attend as disciples in our Court, and hearken unto the judgments therein given, they would, in a short season, become wonderfully enlightened, and justice be dispensed more equably by them than it is at present. But on this subject, I mean to put forth a tractate which shall contain my views more at length.
Black-hole.—In the under flat of our College of Justice, is situated a cell or black-hole, the door of which is of such amazing fortitude, that it is believed no one could break through the same, except he had the implements pertaining unto the calling of a blacksmith. Some of our radicals, indeed, who are continually sneering at the Powers that be, insinuate that any malefactor might creep through the window; but this I am inclined to doubt, more especially from the fact, that Donald Sheerie, the paralytic lameter, who was lately incarcerated for his unfortunate petitions for alms, was found to be still there when the door was opened in the morning. This circumstance, so creditable to the security of our Bastile and the watchfulness of the keeper, was sworn to before two of our Justices of the Peace, to the eternal confusion of those turbulent spirits who would throw contempt on the existing institutions of our country.
[Here Mr. Guy diverges into a history of the Reform Bill, with its baneful consequences to the peace of Helensburgh, which we have handed over to the Editor of the Glasgow Courier, who means to lay it before a pro re nata meeting of the Conservative Association.]
Mr M‘Ewan Rebuked.—I had intended to have given an account of Mr. M‘Ewan’s Bake-house, as promised in the first portion of my history; but that gentleman having refused to pay me more than sixpence for carrying up for him from the Quay a quantity of flour, while my legal demand was sevenpence, I feel myself necessitated to be silent on the subject. If, however, on reflection, he thinketh that a penny is a small price to pay for immortality, and settleth the balance, I may be induced, at some future cycle, to record the wonders of his establishment. As it is, justice to myself and family compelleth me to hold my peace.